The Cat Had My Tongue. It Was a Black Cat.

Today marks one month home with James.

We met 6 weeks ago tomorrow. 

Wow. 

Time has flown and time is creeping. It feels like we just got him and like we've had him forever. It feels like we know him so well and like he's a complete mystery. It feels like he's made amazing progress and like he'll never make progress at this rate. It feels like we got the easiest kid and like we're having the hardest time. It feels like he loves us and like he could easily love total strangers. It feels like I love him but I am painfully aware of my preference for Henry. These are very normal feelings for new adoptive parents but they are SO abnormal to me that I feel like I don't even recognize myself. It's a lot of feeling. A lot. And I have all day with James to be aware of all of these feelings and how they don't add up.

I haven't blogged since we got back because I'm just now beginning to express any sort of coherent thought about what has happened. 

The weeks before we traveled were unbelievably difficult for me. The stress of being constantly on edge waiting for this or that vital next step finally caught up with me. I was sick for most of October and November. I had thrush for almost an entire month. (very gross, by the way) My immune system was wrecked. 

God moved mountains for our trip to happen the way it did. I was awed by the specific prayers He answered and the things that He worked out SO much better than I was even smart enough to want! I praised God all the way to Ch*na! And when the terror of adopting someone we'd never met, who we knew almost nothing about struck, I clung to and followed Him with shaking hands and wobbly footsteps. Whenever I became aware of an unpleasant thought toward James, I immediately prayed for tenderness and love. And He gave it. Every time I asked. 

And then we got home.

And there was jet lag mixed with euphoria. Our friends were amazing. We had meals and phone calls and visits and prayers. Things were great. They were so great that I let go of Him and decided to hold my own hands.

We had some good times! 

And then I woke up Christmas Eve and something was different. I was irritated. I felt like our guest had overstayed his welcome and was intruding on our intimate family holiday. I knew it was irrational. I knew there was no point dwelling on that feeling. But I couldn't shake it. 

Christmas Day was no better. James was overwhelmed. I was irritated. He didn't want any of his presents, only Henry's. I was irritated. He followed me around. I was irritated. He made a mess. I was irritated. You get it. No tenderness. Only irritation. 

Adoptive moms often suffer from a sort of post-partum depression. A lot of friends in my support groups have struggled with these feelings. I assumed that's what I was experiencing. 

It got worse. I became angry. I felt like I was a different person. James was his usual gentle, adorable self. NONE of what I was feeling was his fault. I recognized that but it made no difference. I was 100% acting when I was around him. And I wasn't acting well. I displayed the very opposite of ALL the fruits of the Spirit. I told myself this was "depression" and that I couldn't control it. Many times it occurred to me to pray. But talk about quenching the Holy Spirit. I had aimed a fire hose at Him and told myself that someone else was holding it. I knew there was only 1 help for me and I wanted my old (new!!) self back, but I refused to ask Him. And I love the Lord. I really really do. I want to please Him and I WANT to love and bless James. And I didn't want to hold onto these awful feelings but I didn't want to let them go, either.

A couple weeks ago, I started realizing that the thoughts in my head were lies. The thoughts telling me that I can't control this, that no one can control this and that I will probably never really love James and that I am a horrible person and should have been found out long before I was allowed to adopt and that James would have been better off as an orphan. 

Where did those thoughts come from? How could I ever have allowed them to linger? This is what happens when I hold my own hand.

I could feel the hardening in my heart. And it terrified me. I begged God not to allow it. And He answered. I laid hands on James and prayed for forgiveness. From him, from Him.

It is still a HUGE struggle but I know who's going to win it. Those lies are pretty convincing. And the liar is good at condemning. So, if you see me struggling and you want to help, please don't comment on how cute James is. He is. I know it. But what I feel is "How can you not love someone that cute?". Please tell me to be patient. With myself. Please remind me that I had 9 months with Henry before I met him and I was plenty irritated with him for lots of that time. But love grew there. And love will grow for James. Please don't condemn me for being honest. If I was ever proud of myself for adopting, the Lord has stripped it from me in a most painful way. And I cannot help but be honest about it...as almost anyone who has seen me in the last couple of weeks knows. Please forgive me if I have done nothing but complain to you. Know that I see it. I am working on it. He is working on me.

And most of all, please know that despite all of my struggles, adoption is beautiful. James is wonderful. I would do it again in a heartbeat. 

God gave me the sweetest encouragement tonight as I was putting the boys to bed. James, who, 6 weeks ago had oral muscles so week he couldn't hold liquid in his mouth if he was upright, puckered his lips for a kiss. And I felt a huge boulder fall off that hard spot on my heart. Thank you Jesus. 

Orphanage Visit - Thursday

When you meet your child on their gotcha day, you can ask permission to visit their orphanage. Certain orphanages are more open to visitors than others, some cannot be visited because of circumstances such as outbreaks of an illness, and some are so far from the capitol cities of each province that a visit may not be feasible. Guangdong province is pretty amenable to letting families visit orphanages. Each orphanage decides how much access they will allow families who do visit. 

On Thursday morning we were up early to meet our guide for the day, Grace, at 8:00. (Grace is precious, and I could have sat in that van all day and asked her questions about China! And, oh, how she cares about those children!!!) James' orphanage in Huizhou is a 3 hour drive from our hotel in Guangzhou. It took nearly an hour just to reach the edge of Guangzhou. And then we had about an hour and a half on a freeway through some of the countryside. Rural Guangdong is very pretty. It's hard to compare it to anything in the states. The landscape reminded me a little of the coast of Northern California...minus the coast? We seemed to exit the freeway at a poorer section of Huizhou. Our guide and the driver kept commenting on how large Huizhou is. This is confusing to me because the population is ONLY 4 million compared to the ~15 million in Guangzhou. Maybe it is more spread out? When we got to the more modern section of Huizhou it was quite a beautiful city. Very large boulevards and beautiful modern skyscrapers. There is a section called West Lake which is so picturesque, where the roads run along the West Lake River, a tributary of the Pearl River. 

Our driver used GPS to find the orphanage, even though he had just been there the week before with Brian. Cities in China are laid out NOTHING like they are in the states, because they are SO much older. James and all of the other Children from Huizhou CWI (Comprehensive Welfare Institute) were moved to a new facility on October 26th of this year, so we visited the new facility first. I am so conflicted describing what his orphanage was like. Just know that my stomach feels ill just thinking about it, and it is 1000% better than the old orphanage where he spent the majority of his life. The pictures will speak loudly. The reason I am conflicted is because EVERY person on staff at the orphanage was so proud of the new building and so elated to be there. They wanted to show off every square inch, and I think we were allowed so much access to the buildings because of this. It is brand new, and clean, and shiny. AND ENTIRELY INSTITUTIONAL. I really feel like vomiting and I am crying right now just from describing it to adults. And then to think that this is a step up for all of the children living there. 

When we walked into the campus (it is walled-off and gated like a prison) nannies and older children started yelling to Guo Guo from the balconies of the older childrens' building. Everyone seemed to know him. First we were shown the building where the younger children live. The toddlers were eating lunch in a big open room. It seemed like they were all just wandering the room, and that the nannies would scoop some rice stew-ish looking soupy stuff into their mouths when they wandered up. We caused quite a commotion so it's hard to say what a regular lunch time looks like. We had toys and presents for the kids and they were spotted immediately. We were told not to take pictures of the childrens' faces. Except I had a gift for one of the children from his mother who is waiting in Texas, and I was allowed to photograph him and take video for his parents. That was awesome! And of course he was surrounded by other kiddos so I got pictures of them too! The scene was chaos, though. All the nannies wanted to hold Guo Guo and a bunch of kiddos escaped through the gate into the hallway and latched onto us and the toys we had brought. I wish we would have had a chance to hug and squeeze them all, but it was just too chaotic. And Henry was very overwhelmed, I think, and was being very uncooperative and clingy. There's no way he understood the magnitude of where we were and what we were doing. Eventually we moved on from the little kids, and passed a room with a few babies in walkers and then a couple rooms full of metal cribs. Many had babies in them, laying under THICK blankets. We went downstairs and saw the play rooms and the class room. 

And then we walked to a different building to meet the orphanage director. She was wonderful. We met in a large waiting room and she offered us tea and had loads of questions for us. About our family, where we are from, why we came to China for a child. She was SO extremely grateful to us. Everyone expressed so much gratitude that we would come and do this. I felt like we were cheating them somehow. Yes, I know James' life will be SO much better because we came, but I really feel like we are the ones who should be grateful. And we are.

After several minutes, she asked if we would like to stay for lunch with her and some of the nannies. OF COURSE! We walked to yet another building, upstairs to a sort of dining room with several round tables with large lazy susans on them. First we were given "meat soup", and told that Chinese people always start their meals with a bowl of soup. It was...interesting. I didn't eat much because I couldn't identify what animal the "meat" was from. It was still on the bone. I mostly just pretended to be busy with James and let Beau deal with Henry who was NOT having it either. But then came the main dishes! Bowls of rice and then there were 4 large bowls of various things to put on the rice. YUM! But it was a little intimidating trying to feed James, on my lap, with chopsticks, in front of the women who had known and fed him his entire life. Finally, one of the nannies asked me if she could feed him. Yes. Thank you. I learned a lot about his life just by watching. They asked if we'd been feeding him because they thought he looked hungry. Yes. It's almost all we do. She started scooping heaping spoonfuls of rice, etc. into his tiny mouth. And he swallowed almost without chewing. HURRY! That's all I could think. We have 30 mouths to feed! HURRY! Now I get why he seems to enjoy such leisurely meals with us. There is no hurry. And it's actually perfect because Henry is just about the world's slowest eater.  

When we were all done, we went downstairs to say our goodbyes. I am so glad that we got to meet those women. They all seemed to love James. He really does have such an easy personality. He was a favorite among the nannies because of this. And I really think they loved him as much as they could. He never shed a single tear the entire day and I think his smile was even bigger when we got back in the van with him. NEVER AGAIN, my boy. No more metal cribs, and whitewashed walls (HA! Just wait till you see our house!), and bowls of food forced down your throat. No more being loved because you are so easy. We will love you NO MATTER WHAT. 

We drove to the old orphanage. It is about to be torn down, I think, and made into something more modern. The gates were closed but we could see the exterior. I won't even bother to describe it. I've seen enough pictures of the inside. I never want to see another. Those kids really are in a better place. But not the best place. Not in a family.

Pictures. You cannot un-see them. Beware.

Our driver and Grace. I am SO mad we didn't get a picture with her. I hope we see her again. 

Surviving the drive.

Still obsessed with Cheerios!

West Lake area of Huizhou

The new Huizhou CWI. Cozy, no?

The campus is huge.

Another fun and sickening fact is that about half of the buildings are empty, just waiting for orphans and uncared-for elderly.

The ONLY play structure. There is hardly any grass. Huizhou orphans learn their playground lessons on concrete.

A wall celebrating the children adopted from the orphanage. Tiffany, your picture is at the top, right!

 Another "play" space. fun.

This tiny guy has a mama just DYING to get her arms around him!

The girl holding James in this picture is a 14 year old orphan. Grace said when she was there with Brian last week that this girl followed them everywhere and hugged onto her "like a monkey" crying that she wanted a mother and father. I can't take it.

This is the room where the little kids were eating lunch. Again, cozy.

Some of the nannies. That's Grace in the doorway, with the glasses. Love her.

This guy was desperate for some attention. I hope he has a family coming for him!

Presents!

Look closely. There are babies in about half of these cribs. Why?

Downstairs in the playroom

Apparently James' favorite toy is the plasma car. Just so happens, we have TWO!

More nannies. Everyone scolded us for dressing him so lightly.

Henry actually was freezing. Maybe next time he'll put on his jacket when it's suggested.

The orphanage director.

Everyone was so gracious to us and grateful.

The gate to the old orphanage.

The low buildings to the right were for the abandoned elderly. The taller white building behind them was the orphanage.

OUTSIDE the gates. Amen.

Catching up - Wednesday

I have been too exhausted the last 2 nights to blog. SO abnormal that I would find the energy at 6:30am but here we are!

Wednesday:
Wednesday was pretty low-key. We had a leisurely breakfast and then went shopping at Trust-Mart (a Chinese version of Wal Mart) to get some gift to bring to James' orphanage on Thursday. Shopping over here is fun because everything is 100's and 1000's of RMB/yuan and it feels like you're spending fake money. I have no idea how much we actually spent - not enough, for those children who have NOTHING to their names. We were mostly constrained by the fact that we had to carry everything back to the hotel. But we were able to carry several bags of formula, packs of diapers, and loads of toys. 

When we got back we fed the boys some lunch in our room and then got James down for an early nap so he could be up in time to come to the police station with us at 2:50 to apply for his passport. He was NOT happy to have to take a nap. This time he cried until I came in and started rubbing his belly for a few moments and then he was out. 

Henry was feeling a little better but still not 100% so he watched a movie and then took a nap in Beverly's room. 

I hated to wake James up because he is just starting to catch up on some of the sleep he lost during this trauma, but we had to do it to meet everyone else in the lobby. The police station was actually really pretty. We couldn't take any photos, but it was VERY unlike a police station in the states. We waited in the lobby for a while and then went upstairs and waited. Finally we went to a little counter and signed some more papers and they took a very ill-timed picture of James. And then we were done and back to the hotel.

Beau and Beverly took the boys to the playground and I went down to Erika's room to chat for a while and see all of the things she's purchased to celebrate Lily every year until she's 18. So neat! I feel so far behind because we haven't had a chance to sightsee or shop at all yet! 

We all met for dinner and walked down to an Irish Pub for dinner. I don't think restaurants are particularly enjoying our party of 11. Again, James and Lily ate us under the table and James shocked me by drinking an entire glass of apple juice through a straw in one breath. He's not taking very well to his sippy cup. Sadly, I think orphans have no time to sip. James and Lily were hilarious together. She is SO expressive and NOT shy or timid. And she's not afraid to make a mess or let you know what she wants. James is very quiet and gentle so far. Every time Lily would knock over her cup or drop something on the floor. James would reach for me and point to whatever was amiss with a worried look on his face. I think he cannot stand disorder. SO different! And instead of just reaching or lunging for what he wants he has only now started pointing and is content to mimic a sign to show he wants to eat or drink more. My favorite moment of dinner, though, was when Lily grabbed onto James and called him Guo Guo, his name in the orphanage. Adorable! 

That night, James was not happy about going to sleep again. I was irritated because I just wanted to do my own thing by then. Why? What do I have to do that is more important? Isn't this why I'm here? This boy has probably never been rocked to sleep. He LOVED it. And what a sweet moment. He stared into my eyes until he couldn't keep his open any longer. I was SO convicted of my selfishness. We have a lot of lost time to make up for, and it simply won't happen without doing the work. And don't I want him to have as much of myself as I gave to Henry? Hold me to this, friends, when I just want to watch tv or read a book or talk to you instead of doing the work.

And, the pictures:

Adoption Day

Adoption is a miracle. There is no other way to explain such a change in countenance in less than 24 hours. And the most beautiful part is that this is just the beginning. We haven't even begun to see James' real personality yet. But there is no doubt that something has changed. You can see it in his eyes. This boy is a joy! (Remind me of this when we get home and things get HARD!)

Henry has been sleeping in Beverly's extra bed (Thanks Nana!)and when he came in our room yesterday morning the first thing he did was run up to James and yell "James! I'm so happy you're my brother!". God answers prayers, people. Henry LOVES his brother. We walked down the hall to let James and Lily see each other. We were SO curious to see what they'd do. Nothing. Surely they were a little confused? James experienced his first life-changing breakfast buffet yesterday. This boy likes EVERYTHING! I am so excited about this! We probably could have stayed at breakfast all day. That sweet boy didn't even know there were so many different foods in this world! At breakfast I decided to try out some sign language with him. Smarty pants! He picked up "more" immediately. And he'll mimic "please" and "thank you" and "all done"...so, technically he knows about as much sign language as I do. When he was done eating I sat him on my lap and we played with a little wind-up car on the table. He loved it! The simplest things bring him such joy. While I LOVE seeing his joy, it is heartbreaking to catch these glimpses of all the things he's missed out on. 

Poor Henry is still sick. After breakfast Beverly took Henry upstairs to watch movies while Beau and James and I went back the Civil Affairs office to complete the China side of the adoption. It was fun to catch up with Lisa and Dave and their girls on the van ride and compare how the new little ones are doing with their families. At the Civil Affairs office, there was some waiting around, interrupted by short, strange meetings with Chinese officials. They all wanted to see our passports and double and triple-check that we won't abuse or abandon James. I thought we covered that in the 15 months of paperwork preceding our trip. But I guess you can't be too careful? We took an official family picture, waited some more, and had another awkward meeting with a woman who wanted to know how much money we make, what we thought of James, etc. Again, all stuff we have covered MULTIPLE times. China should consider upgrading to electronic charting. 

When we got back to the hotel, I successfully got James down for a nap. It was gut-wrenching. With Henry, I'd let him cry a little. The rules are SO different with adopted kiddos. And in general you are basically supposed to coddle the heck out of them until they form a secure attachment. I knew he was SO SO tired, so I decided to let him cry for a few short minutes and see what happened. Thankfully, he fell asleep after only a couple of minutes. STRESSFUL! Beau sat nextdoor while Henry napped and Beverly courageously wandered Guangzhou alone for a couple of hours. 

After naptime we went out to the gardens to blow some bubbles and let James walk around some more. He can walk, but he's not very motivated or steady. He is shockingly wobbly for a 3 year old and has almost no core or leg strength. Henry was pitiful so we pushed him around in the stroller and forced James to exercise! When the gardens got old we went up to explore the pool and playground. Beautiful! And we were so surprised to find that James knew what to do at the playground. Sort of. He immediately climbed the steps to the slides without help. And gave Henry a gentle little push down the tube slide. I thought I'd get James situated for his turn, but in the split second I took my hand off of him he threw himself face-first down the slide, with zero hesitation. And then he got up and climbed the steps again. Noted. Supervise James on playgrounds. 

Both kids were exhausted after this so we went back to the room and decided to let the boys watch some Chinese TV while Beverly rested and I did some laundry in the tub. Henry and James were so sweet sitting on the couch together. They played with a couple of toys and we saw James get feisty for the first time when Henry took one particular toy. But they resolved it = Henry gave the toy back. Lots to teach Mr. James, but not now!

We met the Fosters at the elevators (not sure if I mentioned that their rooms are down the hall) for dinner. We walked to a Mexican place that is popular with a lot of adoptive families around here. We sat James and Lily next to each other at one end of the table. And you could finally see that they knew each other! They were SO cute. And they both LOVE Mexican food! It was interesting to see how they fit so perfectly with each of our families. James is SO neat and won't tolerate any food on his face or hands or any crumbs on his clothes (for now, at least). Let's just say Lily doesn't mind any of that. They both would have eaten all night if we hadn't cut them off! Henry slept on Beau's lap through most of dinner. He's had a fever for the last few days and a miserable cough. Poor Henry! And poor mommy. Papa had to carry a sleeping Henry back to the hotel and I had to carry James all the way back. Ouch. He does NOT know how to hang on! 

When we got back we scrambled to get both kids ready for bed. I got Henry tucked in nextdoor and Beau gave James his bottle and got him to sleep in the crib. Then I took a muscle relaxer! And you'll just have to wait for tomorrow's post to find out if it worked!

I know you all just want the pictures. Fine. Here. 

The hip-carrier. Never leave hotel without it.

Tuesday morning.

Henry is ecstatic!

walking down to Brian & Erika's room to see Lily

They missed the memo about being best buds.

at breakfast

 In one of the updates I got his nannies said he "has a ready smile".

He does, and we love it!

waiting at the Civil Affairs office

Mr. Sensory loves those Cheerios but won't stick his hand into the snack-trap to get them!

still waiting

Papa took pity on him and took the lid off.

Safety first, James!!!

Brothers!

2 fewer orphans in this world!

One last thing. Erika's mom and Beverly discovered that they are practically long-lost twins at dinner last night. They were born on the same day in Pennsylvania and are both married to a Brian. Coincidence?